Monday, September 6, 2010

.only hope.

so, i am sitting here at 4 in the morning still awake. not sure why. i just can't sleep. and so i have my playlist playing and "only hope" comes on and i recognize it because of the movie "a walk to remember" and so i decide to just skip it .. but then i'm like nah. ill go back to it, i haven't heard it in awhile. while listening, i realized that i never took time to really listen to the lyrics. like, i knew them, and i could sing them, but i didn't give any meaning to them in my mind. just another song that i could sing without having to look up the lyrics. but this time i did. and i really read them.

it amazed me because right now i am under the stress about finding a school to go to for grad. school. the application process, the GRE, who is accredited by who (because apparently that matters) and so on and so on. it really has consumed my mind lately and in my last blog i said that i pray that i can just truly trust in God's will for my life. i haven't really done that yet. and i know that once i just give it up to Him, my life will be a lot less stressful but i want that control over my future. i need to realize that i can't control it. and i don't really want to when i really think about it. but the fear of the future has consumed every thought process that i could possibly have. when i'm driving, that is usually the time where i think about things and my roommate, kim, hates it because i get a really serious look on my face and i just don't talk, while she is wanting to jam out. but now, i don't think there is a minute that goes by where i'm not thinking about it because it has become this huge reality and its here. i never thought it would come. i didn't really want it to come this fast because i still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life. anywho, i was listening to this song and as i was reading the lyrics along with it, i began to realize i was trying to write out that song that is in my soul but I cant do it on my own. God is sitting there and He is singing it to me over and over again but its almost like i have put Him on mute or something or just keep changing the song (i do have music a.d.d) ;) He is singing me the song of my future but i just need to turn up the volume and decide to listen because He is my only hope. and i cannot do this on my own. i am weak. i am fearful. i am scared. but with Him i can choose to be none of those.

I challenge all of you to listen to this song and really listen to the lyrics and see what it means to you. and i also challenge you to wake up in the morning and say, "here i am Lord, i am choosing to live as an example for You, do what you want with me, I am Yours!" I pray that all of you can do that because I know that it has been a toughie for me to do lately but i am tired of being stressed out about this whole grad school business so, whatever it takes, i will give it to Him. the best person to have it in their hands and i will turn up the volume so i can hear Him sing to me.

remember God is love.

Only Hope- Switchfoot.
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope

You sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
You sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope

I give You my empathy, I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours, I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

here i am Lord

i have a hard time trusting in general. i have an even harder time trusting in my Lord and Savior. the one that i should trust the most and with everything because i know in my heart he has a beautiful plan laid out for me. so why is it so hard to just trust in His will for me?

today, i talked to my advisor about grad school. it kinda flipped the plans that i had set in my heart, upside down. it was really hard. i talked to my roommate about it and she was like katie, you need to pray about it and get into the Word, let God lead you. make your decision based on Him. amazing advice but so hard to do.

i pray that i can finally say, "God here I am, do what you want with me and show me your will for my life."

i just want to let go and let God.