so, i am sitting here at 4 in the morning still awake. not sure why. i just can't sleep. and so i have my playlist playing and "only hope" comes on and i recognize it because of the movie "a walk to remember" and so i decide to just skip it .. but then i'm like nah. ill go back to it, i haven't heard it in awhile. while listening, i realized that i never took time to really listen to the lyrics. like, i knew them, and i could sing them, but i didn't give any meaning to them in my mind. just another song that i could sing without having to look up the lyrics. but this time i did. and i really read them.
it amazed me because right now i am under the stress about finding a school to go to for grad. school. the application process, the GRE, who is accredited by who (because apparently that matters) and so on and so on. it really has consumed my mind lately and in my last blog i said that i pray that i can just truly trust in God's will for my life. i haven't really done that yet. and i know that once i just give it up to Him, my life will be a lot less stressful but i want that control over my future. i need to realize that i can't control it. and i don't really want to when i really think about it. but the fear of the future has consumed every thought process that i could possibly have. when i'm driving, that is usually the time where i think about things and my roommate, kim, hates it because i get a really serious look on my face and i just don't talk, while she is wanting to jam out. but now, i don't think there is a minute that goes by where i'm not thinking about it because it has become this huge reality and its here. i never thought it would come. i didn't really want it to come this fast because i still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life. anywho, i was listening to this song and as i was reading the lyrics along with it, i began to realize i was trying to write out that song that is in my soul but I cant do it on my own. God is sitting there and He is singing it to me over and over again but its almost like i have put Him on mute or something or just keep changing the song (i do have music a.d.d) ;) He is singing me the song of my future but i just need to turn up the volume and decide to listen because He is my only hope. and i cannot do this on my own. i am weak. i am fearful. i am scared. but with Him i can choose to be none of those.
I challenge all of you to listen to this song and really listen to the lyrics and see what it means to you. and i also challenge you to wake up in the morning and say, "here i am Lord, i am choosing to live as an example for You, do what you want with me, I am Yours!" I pray that all of you can do that because I know that it has been a toughie for me to do lately but i am tired of being stressed out about this whole grad school business so, whatever it takes, i will give it to Him. the best person to have it in their hands and i will turn up the volume so i can hear Him sing to me.
remember God is love.
Only Hope- Switchfoot.
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope
You sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
You sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again
And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope
I give You my empathy, I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back
And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours, I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
here i am Lord
i have a hard time trusting in general. i have an even harder time trusting in my Lord and Savior. the one that i should trust the most and with everything because i know in my heart he has a beautiful plan laid out for me. so why is it so hard to just trust in His will for me?
today, i talked to my advisor about grad school. it kinda flipped the plans that i had set in my heart, upside down. it was really hard. i talked to my roommate about it and she was like katie, you need to pray about it and get into the Word, let God lead you. make your decision based on Him. amazing advice but so hard to do.
i pray that i can finally say, "God here I am, do what you want with me and show me your will for my life."
i just want to let go and let God.
today, i talked to my advisor about grad school. it kinda flipped the plans that i had set in my heart, upside down. it was really hard. i talked to my roommate about it and she was like katie, you need to pray about it and get into the Word, let God lead you. make your decision based on Him. amazing advice but so hard to do.
i pray that i can finally say, "God here I am, do what you want with me and show me your will for my life."
i just want to let go and let God.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
p.u.s.h
pray until something happens.
bah. i really wish that i was more patient with prayer. being back at school i have been praying for a lot of things. i was talking to my roommate the other night and we were talking about prayer and i realized that i have neglected to pray for myself. i was so wrapped up in praying for other people that i completely forgot about praying for myself.
it is myself that i really should be praying for.
but i'm impatient with prayer. i pray about things and i just want it to happen right away. i feel like im praying for the right stuff to happen so sometimes i catch myself saying "okay God, any day now." i grow impatient when i should just be still and wait upon the Lord. sooo hard to do. i really wish it wasn't that difficult but it is. and i hate it. straight up.
i want a lot of things to happen but i think i just need to pray for my patience with it. sigh.
bah. i really wish that i was more patient with prayer. being back at school i have been praying for a lot of things. i was talking to my roommate the other night and we were talking about prayer and i realized that i have neglected to pray for myself. i was so wrapped up in praying for other people that i completely forgot about praying for myself.
it is myself that i really should be praying for.
but i'm impatient with prayer. i pray about things and i just want it to happen right away. i feel like im praying for the right stuff to happen so sometimes i catch myself saying "okay God, any day now." i grow impatient when i should just be still and wait upon the Lord. sooo hard to do. i really wish it wasn't that difficult but it is. and i hate it. straight up.
i want a lot of things to happen but i think i just need to pray for my patience with it. sigh.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
summer 2010
wow. summer is over. it seriously just felt like yesterday that it began. i began my summer going down to KC to visit my roommate right before i had to start volunteering/working for the shelter. and now it's over.
my heart has been changed though.
i can't express to you how much of an amazing experience i had at that shelter. today was my last day and i thought it would just be a piece of cake to be able to leave. i had my mind on getting off early so i could finish up some gs and some packing.. but God showed me where my heart should have been at the beginning of the day. it was incredibly hard leaving those ladies. i never thought i would get so attached. i never thought i would leave half of my heart with that place.
ugh. when i left i started crying in my car because i felt like i was just another person abandoning them in their life. one of my closest ladies there took it really hard because she def looked up to me. i gave her a lot of spiritual guidance this summer along with God helping me. i hope it has helped her out because i know that it def made me stronger in my faith. my heart just broke when i had to say good bye to her. it was probably the hardest goodbye i have ever had to go through. it was rough.
half of my heart was left at that shelter with those ladies and i dont think i could ever ask for a better place for it to be. usually i am very protective of my heart and who i share it with because i dont want people to be careless with it but that has def. changed this summer.
it is my prayer that the ladies continue on their spiritual walk with Christ and to the ladies that haven't found Him yet, it is my continual prayer that they will run into his awaiting arms.
feed the hungry. clothe the poor. shelter the homeless. and lead them to Christ.
ps. thank you Kristi for your encouraging text. it meant a lot to me! :)
my heart has been changed though.
i can't express to you how much of an amazing experience i had at that shelter. today was my last day and i thought it would just be a piece of cake to be able to leave. i had my mind on getting off early so i could finish up some gs and some packing.. but God showed me where my heart should have been at the beginning of the day. it was incredibly hard leaving those ladies. i never thought i would get so attached. i never thought i would leave half of my heart with that place.
ugh. when i left i started crying in my car because i felt like i was just another person abandoning them in their life. one of my closest ladies there took it really hard because she def looked up to me. i gave her a lot of spiritual guidance this summer along with God helping me. i hope it has helped her out because i know that it def made me stronger in my faith. my heart just broke when i had to say good bye to her. it was probably the hardest goodbye i have ever had to go through. it was rough.
half of my heart was left at that shelter with those ladies and i dont think i could ever ask for a better place for it to be. usually i am very protective of my heart and who i share it with because i dont want people to be careless with it but that has def. changed this summer.
it is my prayer that the ladies continue on their spiritual walk with Christ and to the ladies that haven't found Him yet, it is my continual prayer that they will run into his awaiting arms.
feed the hungry. clothe the poor. shelter the homeless. and lead them to Christ.
ps. thank you Kristi for your encouraging text. it meant a lot to me! :)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
time flies when you're having fun.
so. as i sit and stare at my GS homework i see that a majority of it is writing what i have learned from my experience. that is an easy question but hard all at the same time. i can say that i have learned a lot because i have but its hard for me to put it into words how much i did learn because of the fact that my heart has gone through some major changes this summer.
it can't really decipher what i learned at the shelter vs. what God has taught me through various occurrences this summer. i think it is because it is pretty over whelming for me to think about so it's difficult for me to write it out. i need time to process it all but time is def. not on my side right now. i was hoping by writing this blog that maybe i could figure some stuff out. but yet again, i am at a loss for words.
i started off my summer having 2 main goals. learning what true forgiveness is and to work on being a better friend. through devotions and time at the shelter, i have learned what true forgiveness really is. (i think). so check that off my list. but i am still processing whether i have learned to become a better friend. i guess time can only tell. but i would love to be able to cross that off my list also but who knows if that will ever happen because being a friend is harder then it looks. haha.
alright, well, i guess that is enough babbling for now because all i am doing is procrastinating. better get on the million of things i have yet to do.
it can't really decipher what i learned at the shelter vs. what God has taught me through various occurrences this summer. i think it is because it is pretty over whelming for me to think about so it's difficult for me to write it out. i need time to process it all but time is def. not on my side right now. i was hoping by writing this blog that maybe i could figure some stuff out. but yet again, i am at a loss for words.
i started off my summer having 2 main goals. learning what true forgiveness is and to work on being a better friend. through devotions and time at the shelter, i have learned what true forgiveness really is. (i think). so check that off my list. but i am still processing whether i have learned to become a better friend. i guess time can only tell. but i would love to be able to cross that off my list also but who knows if that will ever happen because being a friend is harder then it looks. haha.
alright, well, i guess that is enough babbling for now because all i am doing is procrastinating. better get on the million of things i have yet to do.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
feed the hungry. clothe the poor. shelter the homeless. lead them to Christ.
it's funny how an encouraging word can make your day or week seem 10x better and how much it warms your heart.
if some of you don't know, i have been working at a women's and children's shelter this summer. it started off with me volunteering to just get volunteer hours for GS. kind of just wanted to get it over. they ended up hiring me and at first my thoughts were like okay, whatever, i need some money so why not? working at this shelter has opened my eyes and also my heart to things that i have never seen, heard, felt, the list goes on and on.
one thing with working at a homeless shelter, you just never know what each day is going to bring. a lady may check in during the morning hours and check out the same night. i thought that would be unusual but it has happened a lot. i started a bible study with these women hoping to be able to see a part of their heart. turns out, these women are very angry with God and really don't want anything to do with Him, which was a challenge i have had to face and am still facing. i have women tell me on a daily basis that God doesn't exist and that if He did, why was she homeless? why were her kids sexually abused by their father? why did their mom kick them out on the street just because they got pregnant at a young age? WHY? WHY? WHY? and if He does exist, prove it, prove that the theory of evolution doesn't exist. being asked these questions, i have been challenged because I know that i could not answer these questions on my own, i had to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I would do my best to answer their questions and prayed that the words that i had spoken were doused with the Spirit.
With some of these ladies, i got to see the change, i got to see them devote their life to Chirst but sadly, others i didn't. every time a women would walk out that door and I knew they didn't believe in God, i would ask God that if the words that I had told them about our Lord and Savior, made a difference? Did it really plant a seed or did it go in one ear and out the other? Are they going to eventually devote their life to You? What's going to happen now? A lot of these ladies that have left have taken a piece of my heart with them, i did my best to show them my heart and to show them how amazing God really is. Some of the ladies I started out with are still there today and they definitely have a piece or 2 of my heart, which will be the reason why it will be tough to leave them to go back to college.
Anyway, with all these questions i had been asking about myself, whether i was making a difference in these ladies life or not, it definitely got answered today. I was sitting in the office looking up some bible verses for a particular lady, when another one of my ladies (who was is the process of packing up to leave with her 3 children) came into the office and sat down and wanted to talk to me one on one. She was like "Katie, i just really want to thank you for how nice you have been while I have been here. You have never once treated any of these ladies, myself included, that we were lesser then you just because we were homeless. You have always treated us with respect and made me feel like i still had some dignity and that I wasnt a bad mother just because I couldn't provide my children with a home of our own. You have really impacted my life and I thank God that you were here this summer. Thank you." When she was saying this I got tears in my eyes, but didn't cry. I was speechless. I didn't know what else to say but thanks. I wanted to say something more profound but all i could say was thank you and that I would continue praying for her.
If there is no other woman that comes up to me and says that and if I don't ever find out how much of an impact I have had on these women's life, today was well worth it. God used her to answer my prayers to show me how I had been doing this summer. Not that I was desperate for an answer, I just wanted to know if what i was doing there was worth it to these women, if i was leading them to Christ.
I pray that I have done my best to show these women who Christ is and how amazing our God is, even though they are not in the best of situations in their life. A huge piece of my heart will be left with this shelter when I leave there next week and I am just fine with that. I am leaving some of my heart there because I love every single woman there and those that have come and gone. It is my prayer that they have found Christ and will continue to follow Him.
Remember God is Love.
if some of you don't know, i have been working at a women's and children's shelter this summer. it started off with me volunteering to just get volunteer hours for GS. kind of just wanted to get it over. they ended up hiring me and at first my thoughts were like okay, whatever, i need some money so why not? working at this shelter has opened my eyes and also my heart to things that i have never seen, heard, felt, the list goes on and on.
one thing with working at a homeless shelter, you just never know what each day is going to bring. a lady may check in during the morning hours and check out the same night. i thought that would be unusual but it has happened a lot. i started a bible study with these women hoping to be able to see a part of their heart. turns out, these women are very angry with God and really don't want anything to do with Him, which was a challenge i have had to face and am still facing. i have women tell me on a daily basis that God doesn't exist and that if He did, why was she homeless? why were her kids sexually abused by their father? why did their mom kick them out on the street just because they got pregnant at a young age? WHY? WHY? WHY? and if He does exist, prove it, prove that the theory of evolution doesn't exist. being asked these questions, i have been challenged because I know that i could not answer these questions on my own, i had to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I would do my best to answer their questions and prayed that the words that i had spoken were doused with the Spirit.
With some of these ladies, i got to see the change, i got to see them devote their life to Chirst but sadly, others i didn't. every time a women would walk out that door and I knew they didn't believe in God, i would ask God that if the words that I had told them about our Lord and Savior, made a difference? Did it really plant a seed or did it go in one ear and out the other? Are they going to eventually devote their life to You? What's going to happen now? A lot of these ladies that have left have taken a piece of my heart with them, i did my best to show them my heart and to show them how amazing God really is. Some of the ladies I started out with are still there today and they definitely have a piece or 2 of my heart, which will be the reason why it will be tough to leave them to go back to college.
Anyway, with all these questions i had been asking about myself, whether i was making a difference in these ladies life or not, it definitely got answered today. I was sitting in the office looking up some bible verses for a particular lady, when another one of my ladies (who was is the process of packing up to leave with her 3 children) came into the office and sat down and wanted to talk to me one on one. She was like "Katie, i just really want to thank you for how nice you have been while I have been here. You have never once treated any of these ladies, myself included, that we were lesser then you just because we were homeless. You have always treated us with respect and made me feel like i still had some dignity and that I wasnt a bad mother just because I couldn't provide my children with a home of our own. You have really impacted my life and I thank God that you were here this summer. Thank you." When she was saying this I got tears in my eyes, but didn't cry. I was speechless. I didn't know what else to say but thanks. I wanted to say something more profound but all i could say was thank you and that I would continue praying for her.
If there is no other woman that comes up to me and says that and if I don't ever find out how much of an impact I have had on these women's life, today was well worth it. God used her to answer my prayers to show me how I had been doing this summer. Not that I was desperate for an answer, I just wanted to know if what i was doing there was worth it to these women, if i was leading them to Christ.
I pray that I have done my best to show these women who Christ is and how amazing our God is, even though they are not in the best of situations in their life. A huge piece of my heart will be left with this shelter when I leave there next week and I am just fine with that. I am leaving some of my heart there because I love every single woman there and those that have come and gone. It is my prayer that they have found Christ and will continue to follow Him.
Remember God is Love.
Monday, July 26, 2010
read it. live it.
Ephesians 6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
verses to live by.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
verses to live by.
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