:.messy faith.:

woah buddy. where do i even begin. i have so many thoughts today and tonight that this blog might be a little long and pretty scattered brained. so i apologize in advance, if you even care to read it.

i'm going to start off by telling you that i will be spending my summer volunteering/working for a gospel mission women's and children's shelter in sioux city. i was really pumped for the experience because i really wanted to get involve in these women's life and know their stories and get to know their heart. well, today was my third time there and still i haven't gotten to really interact with the women and children and it has been really frustrating me because the only thing i have been doing is their bitch work. today, i went in a little late because i was seriously dragging butt, probably because i didn't go to bed til 5 this morning and woke up at 10 so i figured i could be a little late figuring that i'm just volunteering now. i almost just didn't go because i didn't want to go and do more bitch work but then i thought that i may just be losing out on the opportunity to interact with these women. so i got there, slowly, but i got there.

i pulled up and first the lady forgot that i was even coming so she had to think on the spot on what she would have me do, never a good sign. she was like "do you like working in the yard?" i just said sure even though i was too exhausted to even think about doing hard labor. she wanted me to go pull all the weeds and grass out from the side of the fence that goes around the entire facility. i take a look around and was like "great, i'm never getting out of here." i being to work. i put on my gloves, get a shovel thinger out and being to pull weeds. as i started i was like "God, why do you have me here. like really? am i just going to be here to do their bitch work and work in their garden (like i did the first day i was there) and pull their weeds and sort through their donations, etc. everything except getting to interact with this people here?" i keep going and my brain starts racing. i just start thinking about numerous of things from "i wonder how long i will have to be here, to, man i need a nap, to as deep as true forgiveness." you are probably wondering how i got there but it was very simple. i was texting one of my friends, while pulling these weeds and everything was just fine and dandy, i was moving right along with these weeds and my friend was keeping me company in a sense until i got a text that kinda just made me stop in my tracks. it was a text that caught me off guard and it stung (because of previous happenings) i didn't really know how to reply back so i didn't, which isn't like me because i am pretty good about replying to texts if i'm in a conversation. i didn't really know why it stung because it really wasn't that big of a deal. so, as i'm pulling these weeds i began to ask God why it still stung.. why certain things in my life, when i come upon them, still stung. i began to ask him many questions but one of the questions i came to that made the most sense to me was "have i just not truly forgiven them? i mean God, i have forgiven them and i have moved on so, what is the deal?" i just sat there and just pondered those questions and pondered what true forgiveness is.

i still don't know the answers and i don't know when i will find them out. so i guess one of my goals for this summer is to really search the word to find out what true forgiveness means and to hopefully answer the question on why certain things still sting when mentioned. it sucks because i don't want them to sting, i'm over it, i have moved on, but my heart is telling me different when i feel the hurt. hopefully, i can work on a lot of hurt that still lingers, this summer.

i also thought about roots. random, i know. but not so much. i was pulling these weeds and grass and the grass was soooooo hard to pull out if you tried pulling a lot out at the same time. it was almost like they were all sticking together so they wouldn't have to be pulled out. when i finally got the bunch out, i looked at the roots. probably because my roommate has a fascination with them. i guess she is rubbing off one me. but i looked at the intricate details that involve the root. also, learned it from the roomie to stop and take a look a the small things. i love that she has taught me that. whether she knows it or not. but i never used to take a minute to stop and look at the small things. i always laugh at her when she does like when she finds a piece of bark beautiful. i laugh but it amazes me. she is so amazing like that. and i'm glad that i can learn from her. anywho, as i was looking at them and thinking about how tough they were to get out of the ground i thought about my roots. it made me want to be rooted in Christ. i want to be who He wants me to be but i want so badly to be rooted in Him. i know that i can say that i am but i want to be so deeply rooted that it is really hard to de-root me. lately, it hasn't taken much to get away from Him so thats why i pray that i can be ROOTED in Christ, deeply rooted.

i also heard this song today on the radio, not for the first time, but today it really hit home with me and it is the cry of my heart right now.

Look at my heart again
Look at the mess I've got it in
I'm learning to trust in You
To know that you'll see me

Through my pride
Through my shame
Into Your love
Into Your grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see Your face
I'm running straight to You

Chorus
---------
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again

Verse 2
---------
My life's an open book
Nothing is hidden when You look
You break through my boundaries
Revealing my insecurities
But through my pride
And through my shame
You show me love
You show me grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see your face
I'm running straight to you
Because

Chorus
---------
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again
together again

Bridge
--------
Here I am saying I need you
I know I need you
Here I am, I'm coming to meet you
Cause I want to see you

Chorus
---------
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together

hmmm, well i think i could write some more but this is getting insanely long and i just feel like i am babbling now. so, i hope that you have some goals for your summer. and if those are answering questions, like my best friend told me today, look to the word, you will find answers! :) always remember, God is love.