accountability.

tonight, well, i guess i should say this morning, i have done some research on accountability. not because i didn't know what it is but i wanted to know the significance. i have a really hard time holding my loved ones accountable. i'm just not good at it so i just decided to research it.. these are some things I've found. a bit lengthy but worth the read.


What does the Bible say on the importance of accountability?

With much temptation already in the world today, Satan is working overtime to create even more. We must have a brother or sister we can count on when we are facing temptations that threaten our spiritual lives. King David was alone the evening he was tempted into adultery by Satan. It may have appeared to be Bathsheba who tempted him (2 Samuel 11), but the Bible tells us we fight a war not of flesh but of the spirit, against powers and spiritual forces who threaten us (Ephesians 6:12).

Knowing we are in a battle against the forces of darkness, we should want as much help as we can gather around us. In Ephesians, Paul tells us that we must be equipped with all the power that God supplies to fight this battle. “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” (Ephesians 6:13). Paul realized that even if we equip ourselves with everything God has to offer in defense of evil, we are still human and we may not always be able to resist Satan’s temptations. We know without a doubt that temptation will come.

Satan knows our weaknesses, and he knows when we are vulnerable. He knows when a married couple is fighting and perhaps feeling that someone else might understand them better. He knows when a child has been punished by his parents and might be feeling spiteful. He knows when things are not going well at work and knows how that reminds us of the bar that is on the way home. Where do we find help if we have done all we can do to fight the battle? We want to do what is right in the sight of God, yet we are weak. What do we do?

Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens his friend's countenance.” A friend’s countenance is a look or expression of encouragement or moral support. When is the last time you had a friend call you just to ask how you were doing? When is the last time you called a friend and asked her if she needed to talk? Encouragement and moral support from a friend are sometimes the missing ingredients in fighting the battle against Satan.

The writer of Hebrews summed it up when he said, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching…” (Hebrews 10:24-25). Accountability is crucially important in the battle to overcome sin. An accountability partner can be there to encourage you, to rebuke you, to teach you, to rejoice with you, and to weep with you. Every Christian should have an accountability partner with whom he or she can pray, talk, confide, and confess.

The word "accountability" does not appear in the Bible. However, the word "accountable" is mentioned eight times in the Bible. Most of these references apply to being held accountable for not saving another person. God cares about those who are separated from Him, and He makes His children accountable for reaching out to those who are lost. If God tells you to witness to a person and you choose not to obey, then God holds you accountable for that person being separated from God (Ezekiel 3:18).

Sometimes people who are living in a way that is contrary to God's plan need someone to warn them about the consequences of their choices. The prophet Nathan obeyed God and warned King David about God's anger with David for committing adultery with Bathsheba and then having Bathsheba's husband killed (II Samuel 12). King David could have literally "killed the messenger," but he instead repented. If Nathan had remained silent and David died in his sin, God would have held Nathan accountable for David's blood.

The Bible says that as long as people are obedient to what God tells them to do, they are not held accountable for the outcome. The Bible explains this well in Ezekiel 33:8-9: "When I say to the wicked, 'O wicked man, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man to turn from his ways and he does not do so, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself."

God holds leaders accountable for the way that they lead God's people. In Ezekiel 34, the Bible uses the metaphor of a shepherd and his sheep to explain the accountability that leaders have over God's "flock." The Bible warns in James 3:1 that "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." God holds teachers and other leaders accountable for the ways in which they lead God's people.

Leaders and teachers are not the only ones who God holds accountable. According to the Bible, "the whole world [will be] held accountable to God" (Romans 3:19). Fortunately, God sent Jesus to fulfill the law because he knew that human beings were incapable of doing so themselves: "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them" (Matthew 5:17).

reality check

oh, reality checks. just gotta love them. when i finally took the GRE i felt a HUGE load off my shoulders for some reason. since i felt that i went into a mode where i thought everything was just fine. i paused on grad school applications because for some reason i felt like i had plenty of time to do them and now that i took the GRE i can kind of give myself a break. so i've been "living the life." hanging out with friends every weekend, only having class tuesday and thursdays, sleeping in on a daily basis, etc. sounds awesome right? its been sounding pretty darn amazing to me. so amazing that i have neglected the one thing that should be constant in my life..God.

i've neglected Him to the point where i could see that my actions were not reflecting Him. where did this go wrong? at the beginning of the school year i thought i had it all together but thats because i wasn't neglecting Him. i had my devos every day and i was constantly getting into the word but somewhere that stopped happening. i started neglecting the one thing in my life that makes everything seem right again. i yearn to have that back, i NEED to make God a constant in my life again. i am tired of being apathetic about it and i need to start proving He is in my life through my actions. i need to start doing things that are edifying to Him and not just because i want to do them.

He deserves to be a constant in my life instead of put on a shelf, neglected. He is my constant, my rock, my salvation, the one that loves me unconditionally and that shows the most AMAZING grace on me. if He isn't a constant in your life, do something about that.

remember, God is love.

twenty two

wow. i'm twenty two. i can no longer tell people that i am 21 when they ask me how old i am. kinda sad because saying you're 21 sounds A LOT cooler. haha. i've never really been the person to make a big deal out of my birthday. to me, it's just another day. of course i love feeling loved when people text me or call me or write on my facebook wall to tell me happy birthday and when i receive flowers from my mom but, as far as celebrating, i'm just fine with keeping it chill. i've been asked several times what i want to do on my birthday but i just kinda want to lay low. probably because i have a big test tonight, which by the way, i am putting off studying by doing this haha. any surprise? i think not.

it's been awhile since i last posted. i took my GRE last week and it went okay. i wanted to do better but i'm just over it now. its whatever. i still have yet to complete a full application for grad school. i'm only like 2 steps away from getting one completed but its not due til april so when i found that out, i of course started to procrastinate. oh well. it will get done this week...maybe? maybe next week :) anywho, i dont really think i had a point to this blog except to procrastinate some more but i really do want to say that i am very blessed to have made it to my 22nd year. i have the best family a girl could ask for and pretty kick-ass friends. i am truly blessed and couldn't ask for more. it's been a fun ride so far and i look forward to many more years to come with some pretty amazing people along for the ride. i love you all, you guys are the best!

remember, God is love.

.only hope.

so, i am sitting here at 4 in the morning still awake. not sure why. i just can't sleep. and so i have my playlist playing and "only hope" comes on and i recognize it because of the movie "a walk to remember" and so i decide to just skip it .. but then i'm like nah. ill go back to it, i haven't heard it in awhile. while listening, i realized that i never took time to really listen to the lyrics. like, i knew them, and i could sing them, but i didn't give any meaning to them in my mind. just another song that i could sing without having to look up the lyrics. but this time i did. and i really read them.

it amazed me because right now i am under the stress about finding a school to go to for grad. school. the application process, the GRE, who is accredited by who (because apparently that matters) and so on and so on. it really has consumed my mind lately and in my last blog i said that i pray that i can just truly trust in God's will for my life. i haven't really done that yet. and i know that once i just give it up to Him, my life will be a lot less stressful but i want that control over my future. i need to realize that i can't control it. and i don't really want to when i really think about it. but the fear of the future has consumed every thought process that i could possibly have. when i'm driving, that is usually the time where i think about things and my roommate, kim, hates it because i get a really serious look on my face and i just don't talk, while she is wanting to jam out. but now, i don't think there is a minute that goes by where i'm not thinking about it because it has become this huge reality and its here. i never thought it would come. i didn't really want it to come this fast because i still have no idea what God wants me to do with my life. anywho, i was listening to this song and as i was reading the lyrics along with it, i began to realize i was trying to write out that song that is in my soul but I cant do it on my own. God is sitting there and He is singing it to me over and over again but its almost like i have put Him on mute or something or just keep changing the song (i do have music a.d.d) ;) He is singing me the song of my future but i just need to turn up the volume and decide to listen because He is my only hope. and i cannot do this on my own. i am weak. i am fearful. i am scared. but with Him i can choose to be none of those.

I challenge all of you to listen to this song and really listen to the lyrics and see what it means to you. and i also challenge you to wake up in the morning and say, "here i am Lord, i am choosing to live as an example for You, do what you want with me, I am Yours!" I pray that all of you can do that because I know that it has been a toughie for me to do lately but i am tired of being stressed out about this whole grad school business so, whatever it takes, i will give it to Him. the best person to have it in their hands and i will turn up the volume so i can hear Him sing to me.

remember God is love.


Only Hope- Switchfoot.
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope

You sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
You sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope

I give You my empathy, I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours, I pray to be only Yours
I know You're my only hope.

here i am Lord

i have a hard time trusting in general. i have an even harder time trusting in my Lord and Savior. the one that i should trust the most and with everything because i know in my heart he has a beautiful plan laid out for me. so why is it so hard to just trust in His will for me?

today, i talked to my advisor about grad school. it kinda flipped the plans that i had set in my heart, upside down. it was really hard. i talked to my roommate about it and she was like katie, you need to pray about it and get into the Word, let God lead you. make your decision based on Him. amazing advice but so hard to do.

i pray that i can finally say, "God here I am, do what you want with me and show me your will for my life."

i just want to let go and let God.

p.u.s.h

pray until something happens.

bah. i really wish that i was more patient with prayer. being back at school i have been praying for a lot of things. i was talking to my roommate the other night and we were talking about prayer and i realized that i have neglected to pray for myself. i was so wrapped up in praying for other people that i completely forgot about praying for myself.

it is myself that i really should be praying for.

but i'm impatient with prayer. i pray about things and i just want it to happen right away. i feel like im praying for the right stuff to happen so sometimes i catch myself saying "okay God, any day now." i grow impatient when i should just be still and wait upon the Lord. sooo hard to do. i really wish it wasn't that difficult but it is. and i hate it. straight up.

i want a lot of things to happen but i think i just need to pray for my patience with it. sigh.

summer 2010

wow. summer is over. it seriously just felt like yesterday that it began. i began my summer going down to KC to visit my roommate right before i had to start volunteering/working for the shelter. and now it's over.

my heart has been changed though.

i can't express to you how much of an amazing experience i had at that shelter. today was my last day and i thought it would just be a piece of cake to be able to leave. i had my mind on getting off early so i could finish up some gs and some packing.. but God showed me where my heart should have been at the beginning of the day. it was incredibly hard leaving those ladies. i never thought i would get so attached. i never thought i would leave half of my heart with that place.

ugh. when i left i started crying in my car because i felt like i was just another person abandoning them in their life. one of my closest ladies there took it really hard because she def looked up to me. i gave her a lot of spiritual guidance this summer along with God helping me. i hope it has helped her out because i know that it def made me stronger in my faith. my heart just broke when i had to say good bye to her. it was probably the hardest goodbye i have ever had to go through. it was rough.

half of my heart was left at that shelter with those ladies and i dont think i could ever ask for a better place for it to be. usually i am very protective of my heart and who i share it with because i dont want people to be careless with it but that has def. changed this summer.

it is my prayer that the ladies continue on their spiritual walk with Christ and to the ladies that haven't found Him yet, it is my continual prayer that they will run into his awaiting arms.

feed the hungry. clothe the poor. shelter the homeless. and lead them to Christ.

ps. thank you Kristi for your encouraging text. it meant a lot to me! :)

time flies when you're having fun.

so. as i sit and stare at my GS homework i see that a majority of it is writing what i have learned from my experience. that is an easy question but hard all at the same time. i can say that i have learned a lot because i have but its hard for me to put it into words how much i did learn because of the fact that my heart has gone through some major changes this summer.

it can't really decipher what i learned at the shelter vs. what God has taught me through various occurrences this summer. i think it is because it is pretty over whelming for me to think about so it's difficult for me to write it out. i need time to process it all but time is def. not on my side right now. i was hoping by writing this blog that maybe i could figure some stuff out. but yet again, i am at a loss for words.

i started off my summer having 2 main goals. learning what true forgiveness is and to work on being a better friend. through devotions and time at the shelter, i have learned what true forgiveness really is. (i think). so check that off my list. but i am still processing whether i have learned to become a better friend. i guess time can only tell. but i would love to be able to cross that off my list also but who knows if that will ever happen because being a friend is harder then it looks. haha.

alright, well, i guess that is enough babbling for now because all i am doing is procrastinating. better get on the million of things i have yet to do.

feed the hungry. clothe the poor. shelter the homeless. lead them to Christ.

it's funny how an encouraging word can make your day or week seem 10x better and how much it warms your heart.

if some of you don't know, i have been working at a women's and children's shelter this summer. it started off with me volunteering to just get volunteer hours for GS. kind of just wanted to get it over. they ended up hiring me and at first my thoughts were like okay, whatever, i need some money so why not? working at this shelter has opened my eyes and also my heart to things that i have never seen, heard, felt, the list goes on and on.

one thing with working at a homeless shelter, you just never know what each day is going to bring. a lady may check in during the morning hours and check out the same night. i thought that would be unusual but it has happened a lot. i started a bible study with these women hoping to be able to see a part of their heart. turns out, these women are very angry with God and really don't want anything to do with Him, which was a challenge i have had to face and am still facing. i have women tell me on a daily basis that God doesn't exist and that if He did, why was she homeless? why were her kids sexually abused by their father? why did their mom kick them out on the street just because they got pregnant at a young age? WHY? WHY? WHY? and if He does exist, prove it, prove that the theory of evolution doesn't exist. being asked these questions, i have been challenged because I know that i could not answer these questions on my own, i had to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I would do my best to answer their questions and prayed that the words that i had spoken were doused with the Spirit.

With some of these ladies, i got to see the change, i got to see them devote their life to Chirst but sadly, others i didn't. every time a women would walk out that door and I knew they didn't believe in God, i would ask God that if the words that I had told them about our Lord and Savior, made a difference? Did it really plant a seed or did it go in one ear and out the other? Are they going to eventually devote their life to You? What's going to happen now? A lot of these ladies that have left have taken a piece of my heart with them, i did my best to show them my heart and to show them how amazing God really is. Some of the ladies I started out with are still there today and they definitely have a piece or 2 of my heart, which will be the reason why it will be tough to leave them to go back to college.

Anyway, with all these questions i had been asking about myself, whether i was making a difference in these ladies life or not, it definitely got answered today. I was sitting in the office looking up some bible verses for a particular lady, when another one of my ladies (who was is the process of packing up to leave with her 3 children) came into the office and sat down and wanted to talk to me one on one. She was like "Katie, i just really want to thank you for how nice you have been while I have been here. You have never once treated any of these ladies, myself included, that we were lesser then you just because we were homeless. You have always treated us with respect and made me feel like i still had some dignity and that I wasnt a bad mother just because I couldn't provide my children with a home of our own. You have really impacted my life and I thank God that you were here this summer. Thank you." When she was saying this I got tears in my eyes, but didn't cry. I was speechless. I didn't know what else to say but thanks. I wanted to say something more profound but all i could say was thank you and that I would continue praying for her.

If there is no other woman that comes up to me and says that and if I don't ever find out how much of an impact I have had on these women's life, today was well worth it. God used her to answer my prayers to show me how I had been doing this summer. Not that I was desperate for an answer, I just wanted to know if what i was doing there was worth it to these women, if i was leading them to Christ.

I pray that I have done my best to show these women who Christ is and how amazing our God is, even though they are not in the best of situations in their life. A huge piece of my heart will be left with this shelter when I leave there next week and I am just fine with that. I am leaving some of my heart there because I love every single woman there and those that have come and gone. It is my prayer that they have found Christ and will continue to follow Him.

Remember God is Love.

read it. live it.

Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

verses to live by.

.lost.

have you ever been in a dark room that was soooo dark that you couldn't see your finger if you held it out in front of you?

for me, darkness can be deafening, even if there is chaos going on around me. these past couple of days at work, it has been complete chaos. the shelter is getting full and right now we have 12 children that are all under the age of 5. let the madness commence.

although it has been pretty chaotic, i find myself in a dark room where i can't see my finger in front of me and it is deafening. I've been in darkness before and i have been lost in my spiritual walk but this time i don't really know how to turn the light back on. i'm searching this room for the light switch but i keep running into things and none of them are the light switch that i am so desperately trying to find.

so, i'm wandering around in this chaotic mess of mine, in the dark and there is no light switch to be found. am i just not looking hard enough? or am i in a room that has no light switch. do i need to find another path to a different room that has one? if so, where is this path to the next room? i need to find light.

i'm lost. but for now i feel comfortable in this darkness. i've found a little niche to hide in. some days i get up and i look for the light switch but it's never there so i cozy back into my little niche.

i don't know why. i should be searching or i should be turning to the only One that can turn the light on for me without trying to find it. I know He is there waiting. but for some reason the darkness has consumed me and it has become comfortable.

so am i lost? or am i just comfortable?

restoration

wow. so it feels like i haven't blogged in forever. probably because i haven't. everyday i have so many ideas that i want to blog about but as you can probably already tell, i'm not that great of a writer so i feel like it would just be one big mess for ya'll to read.

for a really long time, i had been holding on to a sin and just waiting for restoration. i prayed about it on a daily basis but i found myself resorting back to that same sin that i knew was wrong. now that i look back on it, i see satans finger prints all over it. i knew that it was satan during those times that i resorted back to the sin but he has his clever ways of telling me that it really wasn't that big of a deal. he kept telling me these lies and i was stupid enough to believe them. but recently, i learned that sin makes you STUPID! that i was. i knew that i had to stop resorting back to this sin. so i just prayed about it but didn't really do anything else about it. i just thought that it was just going to go away and God would deal with it. but one thing i learned this year is that when you are faced with temptation and if your hand is causing you to sin, you must cut it off instead of putting it in your pocket and hoping and praying that you won't be tempted again. you would think that i would apply that knowledge to this sin that i had kept resorting to right? nope. i just found myself in the same position and afterwards asking myself and God why i was doing it. i did a devo on restoration and in the devo beth moore asked, "are you separated from God because you cannot pry yourself loose from the snare of a certain sin?" and i answered HECK YES! but i didn't really know what to do to stop it. when i went to KC this last weekend to my roommates church, Mark (the pastor) stated that in order to really know that you want to fight an addiction and try to stop it, is by telling someone about it, then you really know that you want to fight it and make it stop. at that point i knew that i had to tell someone. i couldn't keep it inside anymore, it needed to come out in order for me to be able to let go of this sin that i had been holding on to for so long.

that night, i got up enough guts to talk to my roommate about it. it was really hard for me to spit it out because i had satan on my back being like "katie, its fine, you don't have to tell her. it's okay, you're not doing anything wrong." i told her i needed to talk to her about something and even then i couldn't spit it out. satan was just wanting me to keep it inside and to keep holding on to it. but i KNEW that it would begin to destroy something that is close to me and i couldn't let that happen. so, we sat and talked. there were a lot of silent moments and i shed a few tears because it was finally coming out and it felt amazing. it felt good to talk about it and to let it go. you are probably asking well if it felt amazing then why did you cry? well, it had been on my heart for what seemed like an eternity so tears just came. but even as we were talking i could still felt satan be like "katie, why did you just do that, its NOT a big deal. you can sit here and talk about it but you know that you are just going to mess up and do it again." at that moment i still felt like i was clinging to it, for whatever reason, maybe it gave me comfort? i have no idea but i also felt completely unsatisfied which was a weird feeling because by saying it out loud, that meant that it was done and that it's not going to happen again. at the same time i knew thats when i needed to thank God for the restoration that i was feeling and i knew that it was something i would still have to pray about and continually give to him to make sure that i didn't replace it with something else. it will be something that you constantly pray about because satan still gets in my head about it. i can sometimes feel him questioning why i made it known to somebody and why am i praying for it to never happen again because it wasn't that big of a deal. well, guess what, it is and it was and that is why i continually pray that i won't resort back to that again and that i won't replace it with something else. God should be and will be the only thing that fills that "void."

if we cling to anything, it needs to be to the promise that Jesus WILL restore our life again. if you are struggling with a certain sin, pray about it but also take action on it and you will feel restored and i can't even begin to tell you how amazing that feels.

i leave you with wise words from my best friend that i will never forget, "if your hand is causing you to sin, katie, you need to chop it off. not put it in your pocket and pray that you won't face temptation again."

1 Peter 5:10 -And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

remember, God is LOVE!

memories

everybody has memories. they happen everyday.. it is just whether we think they are worth remembering or not. i get in moods where i want to look back at pictures... mainly on facebook... call it "facebook stalking myself" haha and i go back all the way to freshman year of college. i don't go back to high school. probably because i have excepted that it is over and i choose not to look back. college has just been too great of an experience to look back at high school.

looking back on the 3 years i have completed in college. i have mixed emotions about them. i catch myself looking at pictures of freshman year and saying "man, i reallllly miss that." whether that be the people that are with me in the picture or the activity that we are doing... or not doing... or just the way i looked or what i was wearing. memories can be very bitter sweet. i love looking back though. because looking back reminds me of where i was in my life and how i have changed since. i can also look back and be like wow. what was i thinking there. or if i would have known that was the last time me and that person were going to hang out i would have made that night last forever... then i look at pictures and just cant help but to laugh. or just smile. and think. that was a great night. or day. or whatever. then i look at pictures and think to myself "i am going to miss this when i don't have the opportunity to hang out with these people on a daily basis." some pictures make me want to reconnect with the people in them that i may not have talked to in awhile or didn't keep up with them after that year.

maybe this is just senseless babbling but. i had caught myself looking at pictures and since i have had writers block.. i thought maybe this would open up some doors or later blogs. i do want to challenge you all to do something, if you have made it this far in this pointless blog haha. i will explain this "assignment" in the next blog but for now. i want you all to challenge yourself to get up before the sun rises in the morning and go outside. take your bible with you... and as the sun rises i want you to take that time and lift your needs up to God. meditate on the verses: Lamentations 3:22-23, Genesis 8:22, and Psalm 30:5. i want you to meditate on the truth from God's word that the same patience of God that ushers in the dawn every morning of your life also meant your salvation. remember, God is love.

.spoiled.

what do you think of when you hear the word "spoiled?" do you think of food that has gone bad, or maybe you think of those people that you know or you think you know, that are spoiled. well, i have been called spoiled by numerous of people and it always rubs me the wrong way, even though it is very true. i am spoiled and a lot of the time it frustrates me that i am.

when i was a kid, i got whatever i wanted. i don't think that i asked for something and didn't get it. i was a very fortunate child growing up. now, my parents weren't and still aren't loaded by any means but they worked their butt off to give me and my brother whatever we wanted. so being spoiled came at an expense for us. it meant that our parents were always working. my mother was not a stay at home mom, she worked all the time. which is why our grandma basically raised us. we would get dropped off at my grandmas house in the morning when both of my parents went to work and joe or my grandma walked me to school til i was old enough to walk on my own or until joe was too cool to walk his little sister to school haha you choose. anyway, we would go to school and come home and i would go to my grandmas and wait for my mom to get home from work and then go home and then have to wait til my dad got off work (which was very late most nights). i'm not saying that my parents weren't there for us because they were but they just worked so they could give us everything we wanted. when i was old enough that i could actually go out and get a job, i didn't have to. i was one of the few in high school that didn't work to get my own money, my parents paid for everything i wanted or needed and they still do. so yeah, call me spoiled. but you have no idea how hard it is to ask my parents for money. you do not know how conscious i am about spending their money while at school. you don't know how much i hated when they got me a BRAND NEW car a year ago when i totaled my other one by hitting a deer. i am 21 years old. i do NOT need a brand new car. but yet. i have one. of course i am not going to complain but you guys don't know how much i think about that and how bad i feel and thats why it rubs me the wrong way when people call me spoiled.

i started to think about this the other day when my mom (who is currently retired) started crying with both my brother and i in the room because she had wished that she could have been a stay at home mom for us. she feels like she missed out on us growing up. and now that she can actually stay home, both of us are grown up and have our own lives. well, i guess i wouldn't really say both of us have our own lives. my brother still lives at home but he has a full time job and i still depend on my parents for everything. but, she still feels guilty that she couldn't be at home all the time for us when we were growing up.

if you sit and think about it, we are all spoiled. we get to live in the united states of america. we have freedom. but most importantly. we have an amazing God. none of us deserve the love that we get from him day after day. we do not deserve the grace and peace that he gives to us. we did not deserve him dying on the cross for us. but he still did because he loves us. so, if you are sitting there reading this and thinking that man, i wish that i had parents that bought me a brand new car or i wish that i didn't have to work for my own money and blah blah blah. stop and think. do you have a roof over your head? are you warm at night? do you have food that you can eat whenever you want? do you have clean water to drink everyday? and, do you have the love of Jesus Christ? if you answered yes to any of the above questions then you, my friend, are spoiled. always remember, God is love.

peace

for the past couple of days i have been doing my devos on peace. beth moore has given me "portraits of peace" so that i can observe the nature of God's peace and how we receive that peace. in a previous post i told you about the time where Jesus had stayed in Jerusalem for 4 days without his parents (when he was 12) and had tremendous peace. toady, i read the story about how Jesus walked on water. he had sent his disciples out on a boat while he went to a mountain side to pray by himself. it is believe that he had spent a good 3 hours praying while his disciples were on the boat fighting the storm. when he went to them (because he knew they were in distress) he didn't go run to them, he wasn't in a panic because of it, he simply walked. well, if the boat had been out there for a good 3 hours, how could he just walk to them? well he is Jesus and being the stud that he is, he walked on water. Peter began to freak out (like the rest of them) and said that it was a ghost and that if it was really the Lord, he (the Lord) would tell him to come out on the water. so Jesus did. peter began to walk straight toward Jesus and had his focus completely on Him. he began to doubt though and started to sink. Immediately, Jesus was there. He was there in an instant, no more walking.

well all know the story but what amazes me is the tremendous amount of peace Jesus had. he knew that his disciples were in trouble but yet he stayed and prayed and when he decided to leave he didn't rush to them, he walked. we see his peace in this story but we also see that as long as we are looking straight to Christ and focus on him, we can do just about anything. but once that focus slips, while Jesus' focus is still on us, and we being to doubt, that is when we start sinking. we don't have to fear though, Jesus will be there. now, we may have to wait and we may feel like we are just going to drown but Christ knows what he is doing. He may let us sit there and sink and struggle ... maybe for 3 hours.. maybe for longer but we have to have the PEACE to know that he is right there waiting for the perfect time to help us back up. so, my friends, if you feel like you are drowning and you have been there for hours, days, maybe even weeks, do not be afraid says Jesus, he is right there with a tremendous amount of peace, maybe we can learn something from him and have peace in our drowning.

unconditional love

not such an easy concept to grasp. i was once told that it is impossible for anybody to have unconditional love for someone except for Jesus. i beg to differ. now, i'm not by any means saying that we are capable of the same love that Jesus gives to us 24.7 but i am saying that we are still capable of loving someone unconditionally. i may be wrong. but it is just what i believe. i think parents come the closest to loving someone unconditionally. everybody hears the saying "well they are my child, i have to love them." but i also know of parents that did lose the love for their child for whatever reason. although, i have seen a parent love unconditionally when their child has neglected them. it was my grandma krusen. one of her sons, my uncle, left iowa and never looked back. he still loved his family but that all turned around one day. it happened when i was little and i still don't understand the situation fully but, for whatever reason he began to hate my grandma and completely stopped communication. when my grandma got diagnosed with cancer when i was in 6th grade my dad gave my uncle a call to tell him and his response was "so, what am i suppose to do about it." it completely crushed my dad. to all of our surprise he actually came to the funeral when she had passed away a year later. i remember one day and i don't think i will ever forget it. it was before my grandma had passed and i was up there just spending time with her and i asked her, "does it hurt you that benny doesn't talk to you anymore?" her response was, "it always hurts when a child doesn't talk to their parents but you know what pumpkin, i will always love him and nothing will ever change that." wow. i was completely shocked. she still loved him even though he turned his back on her and the rest of the family. oh the love of a child from a parent. if that doesn't scream unconditional love, i don't what does. now, thats just one example and i'm sure there are parents out there that do not love their child unconditionally. sad. but true. there is also an unconditional love from the child to their parents. and the rest of their family but again there are exceptions.

but what about friends? i really want to say that it is possible but i don't think it is. friends come and go. there are a select few that stick around your entire life. you might be lucky and have the same friend that you have had since childhood throughout your entire life or you may not have any of the same friends you had in your childhood, middle school, and high school. the love for a friend will never compare to the love that a parent has for a child. i don't know how it could. it might come close to the love that a child has for a parent but even that is sticky. so where do friends rank on the love scale? when i think about my friends i would love to sit here and say that i have unconditional love for them. but i would be lying. i could sit here and think of situations that would happen that would wipe away my love for them. there is only one friend in my life that i just might have an unconditional love for. i can't say that i do. i wish i could and i want to say that i do but i think unconditional love becomes sticky when it comes to friends. i think i like the idea of being able to say that i have an unconditional love for her but i don't really know what the future holds. i know in my heart that our friendship will never end but does that mean that i have an unconditional love for her? i don't know. she is the only friend that i think i would actually take a bullet for if it really came down to it (i would for every single person in my family) but is that enough to say that there is an unconditional love? the answer is: i have no idea. i have no idea what unconditional love is. i do when it comes to my family but to friends, i am clueless. i know that God will love me NO MATTER what. He is the only example of a true, pure, unconditional lover. no one can even come close to that. maybe it is just because i want to say that i have an unconditional love for someone other than my family? maybe i want to say it to prove that my part of the friendship isn't going anywhere. or maybe it is because i do have an unconditional love for my best friend. Proverbs 17:17 says that a friend loves at all times. and in Proverbs chapter 18 verse 24, it says that a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. maybe she is the friend that sticks closer than a brother?

i feel like i'm rambling and i am sorry for that! but it is just something that i have been pondering because i cannot and will not fathom how much love Jesus has for us no matter what we may do. we punch him in the face every time we sin and it is on a daily basis yet, he has an unconditional love for us. amazing. thats why we always have to remember that God is LOVE.

:.messy faith.:

woah buddy. where do i even begin. i have so many thoughts today and tonight that this blog might be a little long and pretty scattered brained. so i apologize in advance, if you even care to read it.

i'm going to start off by telling you that i will be spending my summer volunteering/working for a gospel mission women's and children's shelter in sioux city. i was really pumped for the experience because i really wanted to get involve in these women's life and know their stories and get to know their heart. well, today was my third time there and still i haven't gotten to really interact with the women and children and it has been really frustrating me because the only thing i have been doing is their bitch work. today, i went in a little late because i was seriously dragging butt, probably because i didn't go to bed til 5 this morning and woke up at 10 so i figured i could be a little late figuring that i'm just volunteering now. i almost just didn't go because i didn't want to go and do more bitch work but then i thought that i may just be losing out on the opportunity to interact with these women. so i got there, slowly, but i got there.

i pulled up and first the lady forgot that i was even coming so she had to think on the spot on what she would have me do, never a good sign. she was like "do you like working in the yard?" i just said sure even though i was too exhausted to even think about doing hard labor. she wanted me to go pull all the weeds and grass out from the side of the fence that goes around the entire facility. i take a look around and was like "great, i'm never getting out of here." i being to work. i put on my gloves, get a shovel thinger out and being to pull weeds. as i started i was like "God, why do you have me here. like really? am i just going to be here to do their bitch work and work in their garden (like i did the first day i was there) and pull their weeds and sort through their donations, etc. everything except getting to interact with this people here?" i keep going and my brain starts racing. i just start thinking about numerous of things from "i wonder how long i will have to be here, to, man i need a nap, to as deep as true forgiveness." you are probably wondering how i got there but it was very simple. i was texting one of my friends, while pulling these weeds and everything was just fine and dandy, i was moving right along with these weeds and my friend was keeping me company in a sense until i got a text that kinda just made me stop in my tracks. it was a text that caught me off guard and it stung (because of previous happenings) i didn't really know how to reply back so i didn't, which isn't like me because i am pretty good about replying to texts if i'm in a conversation. i didn't really know why it stung because it really wasn't that big of a deal. so, as i'm pulling these weeds i began to ask God why it still stung.. why certain things in my life, when i come upon them, still stung. i began to ask him many questions but one of the questions i came to that made the most sense to me was "have i just not truly forgiven them? i mean God, i have forgiven them and i have moved on so, what is the deal?" i just sat there and just pondered those questions and pondered what true forgiveness is.

i still don't know the answers and i don't know when i will find them out. so i guess one of my goals for this summer is to really search the word to find out what true forgiveness means and to hopefully answer the question on why certain things still sting when mentioned. it sucks because i don't want them to sting, i'm over it, i have moved on, but my heart is telling me different when i feel the hurt. hopefully, i can work on a lot of hurt that still lingers, this summer.

i also thought about roots. random, i know. but not so much. i was pulling these weeds and grass and the grass was soooooo hard to pull out if you tried pulling a lot out at the same time. it was almost like they were all sticking together so they wouldn't have to be pulled out. when i finally got the bunch out, i looked at the roots. probably because my roommate has a fascination with them. i guess she is rubbing off one me. but i looked at the intricate details that involve the root. also, learned it from the roomie to stop and take a look a the small things. i love that she has taught me that. whether she knows it or not. but i never used to take a minute to stop and look at the small things. i always laugh at her when she does like when she finds a piece of bark beautiful. i laugh but it amazes me. she is so amazing like that. and i'm glad that i can learn from her. anywho, as i was looking at them and thinking about how tough they were to get out of the ground i thought about my roots. it made me want to be rooted in Christ. i want to be who He wants me to be but i want so badly to be rooted in Him. i know that i can say that i am but i want to be so deeply rooted that it is really hard to de-root me. lately, it hasn't taken much to get away from Him so thats why i pray that i can be ROOTED in Christ, deeply rooted.

i also heard this song today on the radio, not for the first time, but today it really hit home with me and it is the cry of my heart right now.

Look at my heart again
Look at the mess I've got it in
I'm learning to trust in You
To know that you'll see me

Through my pride
Through my shame
Into Your love
Into Your grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see Your face
I'm running straight to You

Chorus
---------
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again

Verse 2
---------
My life's an open book
Nothing is hidden when You look
You break through my boundaries
Revealing my insecurities
But through my pride
And through my shame
You show me love
You show me grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see your face
I'm running straight to you
Because

Chorus
---------
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again
together again

Bridge
--------
Here I am saying I need you
I know I need you
Here I am, I'm coming to meet you
Cause I want to see you

Chorus
---------
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together

hmmm, well i think i could write some more but this is getting insanely long and i just feel like i am babbling now. so, i hope that you have some goals for your summer. and if those are answering questions, like my best friend told me today, look to the word, you will find answers! :) always remember, God is love.

have the people sit down.

infamous words from Jesus as He turned the 5 loaves and 2 fish into a feast for the 5,000 people. He fed only those that were seated. how hard was it for those 5,000 people to actually trust that He would provide enough food for them to feast? apparently, not that difficult because they all sat. lately, i haven't been sitting in a posture of trust like these 5,000 people which is weird because i LOVE to sit haha. today, as i was doing my devos and reading john 6:1-15 and also learning about the times that Jesus had some pretty astounding peace, for example, when Jesus was only 12 and he stayed in Jerusalem when his parents left to go back home. His parents searched and searched for Jesus. 3 days later, as they returned to Jerusalem, they found him sitting there among the other teachers understanding and asking questions. how often do you think of a 12 year old being able to be alone for 3 days and remain peaceful? as i read these stories and thought back on the 5,000 people that "sat," i learned that i need to be sitting in a posture of trust and really trust that God will provide in any situation and learn to remain peaceful. i hope and pray that we can all learn to stop and sit down in a posture of trust. remember, God is love.

satan

ahh, satan, what a bitch. i wanted to start out in a more profound way but that is just how i feel right now. he is soo annoying. it always surprises me when i hear people say that satan doesn't effect their life. are you guys being serious? maybe it it just me but he loves to kick me when i'm down. and he just keeps kicking and hitting and jabbing me until i can't stand it anymore. you would think when i am getting the crap beat out of me by him is when i would cry out to God for help and sometimes i do but sometimes i feel as if i like being stuck in that beating. do i like being stuck there? as weird as it sounds sometimes it is just uber comfortable sitting there and taking that beating. sometimes i don't even realize when he his well at work on my heart. i think it is when i finally realize that he is sitting there kicking me that i begin to feel as angry as i do at him and sometimes at God even though i'm not a big supporter of being angry at God. i know we are human and of course we are going to be angry at him, i just hate when i am because He knows what is best for me, he has my life planned out so, why be mad? i just keep reminding myself that God is right there next to me wanting to help me up. it is these times where i take comfort in the fact that He can just hold me in His arms and tell me everything is fine. i don't like the feeling of doubting him, though, when He does tell me that everything is going to be alright but i know that doubt is satan. why doesn't he just go away? i would love to live a day and not have to deal with satan playing these games in my head and in my heart. my friends, today i ask you to pray for the the strength that i need right now and that God can wage this war for me. i just need to give it to him but sometimes i feel like can kick satan's ass by myself but wow, am i wrong. i'm sorry for such a downer blog post but thats what satan can do to ya when he is well at work on your heart. regardless, always remember God is love.

do you have that person?

so i recently saw this video of this girl that said that she wishes she had someone in her life that when she says that she is "okay," someone would look her in the eye and say "no you're not, how are you really?" do you have someone like that in your life? i know that i for sure do. i didn't have that person though up until my sophomore year in college. i had people that "knew" me but they didn't really know me. this person took me by complete surprise. i mean, this person can read me like a book and that is quite literal. some days it frustrates the crap out of me because i'm not use to having someone in my life that knows me that well. and some days i just don't want to be read. i want to keep a mask on but i'm super blessed to have this person in my life. she has taught me so many things and has led by example countless of times. i not only look up to her but i have the utmost respect for her. she is constantly teaching me new things whether she knows it or not. we, of course, have our ups and downs, but in the long run those "downs" don't even matter. if anything, we grow from them. i can't really put into words how much this friendship means to me. it is the most real and Christ-centered friendship i have ever had and i thank my God everyday for it. I pray that you guys have a person in your life like this. it is a fulfilling feeling to know that you do. and if you do, don't let that friendship go and always remember to thank God for putting them into your life because you really are blessed. always remember, God is love.

j.o.y

j.o.y (Jesus first, others second, yourself third)
easy for one to say. but is this easy to live by? hmm.. not a chance. i would love to say that i live like this on a daily basis. but i know that i definitely do not. some days i do though and it is those days where i find the most joy in my day. ironic, right? other days i get my priorities pretty messed up but who doesn't? it's human nature. i may be a little hypocritical saying that because a lot of times i expect people to live this way and i don't understand how they can't. i find myself saying "wow, how can you not have your priorities straight, isn't easy to put others before yourself and Jesus before them?" not so much, my friends. there are days where i get so caught up in either myself or my friends and i don't think twice about stopping and saying "hey" to Jesus. sad. but true. and then there are other days when i feel like the most selfish person on the planet. today, i realized just how much joy i get out of life when my "priorities" are j.o.y. things just seem so much easier and i am literally in a great mood. so why not live everyday like that? it is a constant prayer of mine that i can always put God at the forefront of my day. i pray also for you, my friends that you can live your life by living out j.o.y. remember always, God is love.

does the truth really hurt?

good question eh? "sometimes the truth hurts." always has been an interesting saying to me. it may initially hurt if someone has told you something that you don't want to hear but i dare to say that the truth is relieving. because if you think about it, if someone tells you something that you didn't really want to hear, like for example, your hair is ugly or wow, who said that ever looked good on you?, it stings at first but isn't relieving to know that someone cares enough about you to be straight up with you and tell you something that you may just need to know.i mean the truth is better then lying right, because if you are lied to then i dare say that you weren't worth the truth. people can get over the sting of the truth if it indeed hurts them..it's not like it is going to last forever. it may last a couple minutes, hours, days, weeks but does the truth hurt longer then that? just move on if it does. the truth is a powerful thing. doesnt the bible tell us to rely on the truth? it indeed does! isn't our Lord full of grace and truth? yep. and isn't it in john 8? where it says the truth makes us free? so, my friends, the question of the day is: does the truth really hurt?

everybody is doing it right?

so, i thought i would start a blog because it seems like everybody is, so i'm just jumping off the bridge with everyone haha. maybe you will get to know more about me and hopefully see some of my heart. always remember God is love.